Rambelings

Okay, so I know my blog is all fucked up and out of date, I appologize. However I don't think alot of people check it out.. which is reall fine by me. But if you do frequent this page, send me a msg (or comment) to let me know and i will put more effort into keeping it more current.

So tonight I am sitting at my home, wishing I were at this party in Tampa. I didn't go for any particular reason except that I was to lazy and I didn't want to be social. Sometimes I get really afraid of people. If you have ever hung out with me than this must seem kinda crazy, since I am super out-going and not to mention loud. But that is just one of those things that bothers me, my loudness I mean. I am always afraid I get on people's nerves with it and with the addition of beer it is so uncontrolable.

Most of the time I am so confident, i genuinley like myself and I know that everything I do has good intentions. I am one of the most honest people you will ever meet and I never ever intentionally hurt people. But I have these 'spells' where I think everyone is against me. Even my own family, who could never be against me, I feel that way.

I think that i have been let down so many times in my life that i have trouble being close to people. I have never lived in a place more than five years, so everytime I have gotten close to someone I loose them. When I look at my friends, i realise I have known so many great people and i think some of them genuinley loved me. But I always end up isolating myself eventually. I am so afriad that people are using me or pretending to like me. So I figure I'll leave them before I find out the truth. This always seems to backfire though. I seem to hold onto the wrong people and drift from those that were worth it.

This was probably one of the most vunerable blogs I've every written, but its good anyhow. I guess this party made me sad because I love so many people there, yet I didnt go. I run away from situations and distance myself. In all my traveling I get confused about who my real friends are.

Anyhow, those of you that read this I want you to take something away besides me feeling sorry for myself. No matter how confident a person is, or how much they seem to be happy, or even how nice thier life seems, sometimes they are vulnerable too. From the outside everything is supposed to look good, but life is up and down for everyone. Sometimes you are there for people that will never be there for you. And sometimes you run away to escape your past and find out that when you start over your all alone.

Loving yourself is so important. I am thankful for my faith in god and that I am certain that I always do what I think is the right thing. And I am glad to be there for people, even if I know they wont be there for me. In the end the only person you always have to be with is yourself and if you dont like yourself, you will always be miserable. Those are things that will see you through it all.

When I say I love everyone I know, I am being as genuine as anyone can be.