Great Expectations

Do you ever just sit back and appreciate everything? I have to say that despite all the changes the last few years have had, I am in a better place than ever before in my life. I have my own place, great friends, awesome family, and security. Things in school are going great and i have a perfect job. Now that you are officially puking at anyone (let alone me) going on about how happy they are, i will indulge further.

I find myself in a weird place, like when you visit somewhere for the first time. I feel like I am in a whirlwind of some kind...and i am just waiting for the air to settle into calmness. it's kinda surreal. I can't for see anything going wrong, but I have this feeling of doom just lurking in the shadows, waiting for the opportunity to attack. Most of the time I don;t even know it is there, but it keeps my mind grounded. Like i have to watch my back. Any glimpse of opportunity and he will spring out from behind the darkness and destroy the utopia i have created. Yes, I take complete responsibility for my well being and thus guard it well. No matter what comes at me at this point, I will defend myself triumphantly, like a soldier geared up for war. They may take my life, but they will not take my valor.

Change of Tone

So my sister was checking my site out while I was on the phone with her ... I realised that almost every time i write something on here, it is depressing. So i decided to write something a little more positive. :O) I guess there just isn't much to write when nothing is terrible. I am moving my rooms around b/c we are having construction... got that done today! okay well, I have nothing to contemplate except why I only comment when things are sad or stressed. Vacation is giving me time to get allot of shit done at the house i need done. Oh yeah!! My sister is coming to visit me next month!! that is super exciting.. i get to meet my nephew!! YEAH!! Sorry, there is nothing else :O)

American Idol

OK... I LOVE THIS GUY!! Everyone need to vote for him b/c he is sooooooooooo incredibly hot and not to mention talented! PS: Blake Lewis if you happen to read this.. I love you (and I am available!) ... Don't worry guys I am not going crazy, just living in my own world for a while :O)

Its been a while

So I figure no one really reads this and i can pretty much say whatever I want. I can't shake this latest bout of depression. I am pretty cojvinced that it is from living at home. there is so much to do all the time. People think that not working must be so nice, but i have 3,500 sq ft, two people in wheel chairs, and a drunk to take care of. Even if i did find someone worth my time, I wouldnt have the time for them. I am not really lonely... i didn't mean to sound that way. i just want some irresponcibility. About two months ago my life was great... but then my mom moved in and life has gone to hell. she just creates so much work... i look forward to cooking dinner everynight because i will get to sit down and eat it! i find that there are certain things that make the day go by a little better. Started this new ESOL class, OMG I LOVE IT!! never thgouth i would like them better than ESE, but it is close. I get to spend the day with them tommorrow. thats nice. well, i am not as sad as i sound, just frustrated and confused. I want to move out so that i can be 25 again... but then again my grandparents need me so much, they would have trouble getting along with out me. And I shouldnt feel that way b/c my mom lives here now.... she should be reliable but she is more of a liability. Then there is the living conditions... I would never be abel to afford anything like i have now. the water, my wing of the house, no bills.... do i have it made? i guess that is what is really bothering me.... sounds like i live in heaven and i do, monetarily. I just dont know if it is worth being a full time house keeper/ personal servant. the grandparents are cool, they make ya feel appriciated .... but mom makes me feel like i work here or something. frustrated, thats what it is, not depressed i guess. i wonder if i paid rent somewhere if i could get my mom to live there... thats a great idea!! I wonder if she will go for it.....

Procrastination

So I hope I spelled that right. I just took this general knowledge test and the hardest part was the English Language section..... You know, punctuation, spelling and that kinda crap. It's amazing what you don't recall. I am so reliant on MS Word or whatever word processor I use that I don't even know the basic rules of our language!! Anyhow I have so much to do, in the way of homework that is, and I just can't get myself motivated. In my past life I would have smoked a few bowls, drank some beers, maybe screwed by boyfriend, and forgotten all about responsibility. Sometimes I miss those days, when I was headed nowhere and always miserable. But I never really had to accomplish anything. I took tons of classes and learned everything I wanted to, but didn't worry about assignments or tests. No wonder I am still in school! Ok so that whole thing is getting me a little more motivated. Sometimes it is just fun to waste your intelligence. I mean, who the hell do I have to impress anyhow? Absolutely no one! The biggest problem I have is that school work for the college of Ed is so mundane. It requires absolutely no Original thought whatsoever. At least in religion you can generate some kind of unique conclusion... Or realize something you had never known before. Learning how to teach 1st graders to read just doesn't get the neurons firing. There just isn't any real stimulation in it. I can't wait to finish this stupid degree so that I can start studying what I like because I want to. The whole thing is that I have to grad so that I can justify a more stimulating education..... I will be in school for a very long time, because learning is fun when it is interesting. But this shit just isn't! Maybe ill challenge myself by figuring out how to make it interesting....hmmm that's a challenge worth tackling.....HOMEWORK TIME!!

Sad for no reason?

Do you ever get sad for no reason? I mean really depressed and you can't find the cause. There are no traumatic events, no break ups, no weight gain, no nothing! Actually.. my life is going pretty well. But I am sooo incredibly sad today and I dont know why. I have people that love me, people that want me, and people that miss me. What the hell..... this really sucks! I actually resented cleaning my house today. Those of you that know me well can imagine how crazy that is.... both my grandparents are crippled and can't clean. I am a horrible person for resenting cleaning for them!! I wonder if somethingis wrong with me in a psychological way... I don't think so though, I am usually pretty happy. I am lonely sometimes... but only briefly. I have basically every material thing I want. And the things I do want are pretty much superficial.... like a flat screen TV in my bathroom, or a new laptop that is super tiny (so it is easier to take to school). Overall I have nothing to be sad about and yet all day today all I wanted to do was to sleep. crazy shit man, crazy. Maybe I am depressed becasue I am 25 and just finished my AA ..... or maybe its becasue I wasted so many years of my life. But really, I like being where I am..... no bills or real responcibility.. what the hell is depressing about that? well, I just have to remind myself how much I love me!!